I got married on February 28, 2015, and that very day the dream of holding my baby in my arms was born. If only I had known that this dream would become my life's biggest struggle I wouldn't have invested myself in the journey so much that I forget everything else around me.
I didn't have to run after those two magical lines on a pregnancy test as much as others would as I used to get them every time that I tried, albeit the faintest ever possible, the kind of line you see by standing on one leg, tilting in an ideal position under direct sunlight so that the faintest hint could become visible. It was never my imagination though. It used to develop into something of a clear line and I used to scream with excitement, telling my whole family about it just to realize the next day that it was never meant to be. Initially, I was new to it all and didn't know about chemical pregnancies. Gradually, it became clear that a positive doesn't mean a healthy baby in my arms and I had to learn to tackle my emotions and hopes. But was I able to? Not really. I kept investing myself emotionally in the entire process, hoping even more so with each passing month for the pregnancy to stick but it never would, until eventually it did! It was the best day of my life, I was over the moon to see those lines getting darker with each passing day. With time it became evident that it was going to stick, that my dream was going to come true! Then came the day we had to see our baby on the scan for the first ever time, the emotions, the anxiety, the happiness, it was all so overwhelming and it only took the sonographer's blank, sad, straight face to shatter all my hopes that very second. The baby didn't have a heartbeat. That was that for the sonographer, that was that for my gynecologist and that was that for everyone around me but was it the end for me? No, I couldn't accept it, I couldn't get past it, I couldn't even imagine of going through it all over again! I wish I had someone to provide me with the right kind of support that could enable me to balance my emotions, show me the positives in such bleak times, and could validate my grief by telling me that it is indeed the biggest loss you could experience. Alas, I didn't know about the existence of a Fertility Coach at that time. My family and friends were ever so supportive but they didn't know just the right things to say to me. They would tell me to not worry as it wasn't even a baby yet, it was only a few cells and tissues clumped together and I will soon get a healthy baby! For them minimizing the reality should have minimized my pain, but for me, minimizing the reality invalidated my pain and the existence of a baby whose entire life had already been planned by me. This used to push me deeper into depression.
Fast forward, I experienced 5 more similar miscarriages, sometimes with a strong heartbeat on one ultrasound and none on the next one, and sometimes with a strong heartbeat but a leakage in the sac to an extent that I had to chose to deliver my 14 week baby who I could feel wiggling inside me already, only because there was no water in the sac and I had developed sepsis and was near dying if I hadn't delivered. Don't you think I could have benefited from proper support and useful techniques that could let me minimize my pain?
I was strong, very strong, I kept going forward with a renewed hope and I understand not everyone is this strong. I know so many women in my place would have long given up, but I didn't as by this stage I had developed techniques and strategies and coping mechanisms for myself which I now want other women to benefit from.
There were so many more curve balls that were thrown my way and so much more torture that I had to put up with, including loss of a twin pregnancy, where one baby survived only to be miscarried later on, and a phantom pregnancy, the details of which I will share in our sessions to explain how strong a human mind is and how easy it is for us to use it for positive manifestations instead of negative if we have the right guidance. Not sharing the details here as I am still too embarrassed by that episode despite knowing it wasn't my fault. I do know though, that if I had the right mindset at that time, I would never have to go through that episode. I will never underestimate the power of a positive mindset during the entire fertility journey!
Finally, when I had stopped running after it all blindly, the magic happened. But it happened because I made it happen, I took the right steps that were actually needed for me to reach my goal because by then I had mastered my emotions and was in the right mental framework. I forced my doctors to test something they wouldn't admit I had, but when they finally did, it turned out to be the cause of all my misery. After giving myself the blood thinning injections, every single day, for 9 whole months, I finally held my beautiful baby in my arms. The journey was a nightmare, but how I navigated myself through it, determined to achieve my goal, is what matters. The right attitude, the right mindset to fight till the end. Honestly, by the end I had learnt the trick of letting go, that is, I imagined the worst possible scenario and made my mind come to terms with it. I started weighing other options. When I established this peace in my mind that whatever happens, happens for the best, the best actually happened. This trick was taught to me by my father and I am forever thankful to him for it.
I am in no way endorsing that the right mindset and positive outlook can get you past medical hindrances and fulfill your baby dream. I am only saying that it will help you navigate your emotions throughout your journey in a way that the end result becomes acceptable to you, good or bad.
Infertility is overwhelming, exhausting, and all-consuming but it has lessons stored for all of us that the universe wants us to learn, and the sooner we learn those lessons the nearer we will get to achieving our dreams.
Having a baby shouldn't be the benchmark when you start feeling better and happy, it is the journey that counts! Learn to cope with it, learn to heal before the actual healing, learn to release emotions. Peak Fertility is the safest, non-judgmental space, created for you to find your resilience during this turmoil known as fertility journey.
I am a Professional Fertility Coach, Certified Hypnotherapist, Professional Life Coach, NLP Practitioner, EFT Tapping Practitioner, CBT Practitioner, and Weightloss Coach
I am based in Northamptonshire, United Kingdom and offer all my sessions via Zoom or any video calling app suitable for clients.
Certified NLP Practitioner
Certified Professional Life Coach
Certified CBT Practitioner
Certified EFT/TFT Tapping Practitioner
LLB (HONS) Degree holder
- Awaiting my Counselling certification that I have recently completed